Important Things To Learn

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

No matter how much I try to like them, some people are just
assholes.

You cannot make someone like you. All you can do is stalk them
nd hope they panic and give in.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will
eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full
potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE
WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a
bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.